Cry of the Forlorn Devil
by opposingangels
Summary: After being tortured by Oz, Duo returns to the safe-house... blind. Now, Duo must learn how to use his wings once more so that Shinigami can fly and Heero must fight off respect and blooming love.
1. Cry of the Captive

Cries of the Forlorn   
**Author:** Soku (stormwindktreva@aol.com)  
**Summary:** After being tortured by Oz, Duo returns to the safe-house... blind. Now, Duo must learn how to use his wings once more so that Shinigami can fly and Heero must fight off respect and blooming love.  
**Rating:** R.   
**Pairing:** 1 x 2 (eventually)  
**Warning:** This does contain some LEMON material in it.   
**Genre:** Yaoi. Romance. AU. Hurt/Comfort. Supreme lack of Relena, Potty-Mouth Duo.   
**Spoilers:** Not too bad. Limited knowledge of the series required.  
**Author's Note: **Thank you to my betas Neptune, DuckinABucket, and IHaventGotOne.   
**Disclaimer:** Not my characters.  
**Progress:** In Progress: 8/?  


**Plot, no assembly required.**

**

1. Cry of the Captive 

**

It was starting to look a little flopping grim. I can admit it. I'm not like Quatre. I know when there's no fucking way you can make it out alive. Now was one of those. Unless I got the divine intervention of Spandex Boy or all the Oz suits short-circuited, I wasn't getting out alive. 

"Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee." 

One Ozzie took the scythe and blew apart from the midsection. I smiled. The Leo pilot didn't. I could hear the sounds of Quatre's voice screaming into the communicator and then heard Wufei's plea for me to be strong. That was followed by Trowa's, "We're coming," and a "Hn," from space. Was it a worried, "Hn?" I sighed. Too many. I was fighting on too many fronts and I was alone. 

I was going to die alone. 

"Blessed are thee among women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus." 

I screamed as another suit smashed into my side and felt some hot chemical pour onto my hands. Then, it was replaced with anger. "Damage assessment Duo!" Wufei's voice barked out. I turned the communicator off. Why bother? I was outnumbered. A hundred to one. 

"Holy Mary, Mother of God." 

Who did they think they were messing with? I AM SHINIGAMI! I am fucking death! Who would toy with death? Then, there were those tears. Those stupid fucking things coursing down my cheeks in red marks. What were those? Why would Death cry? 

"Pray for us sinners." 

Solo... I'm coming. I took out another two with a strike and then I felt the striking blow that almost jarred me from my seat. Thank God for seatbelts. Deathscythe's arms were frozen. I couldn't swing. I was losing power. So, I crossed myself and then prepared for a last stand. 

"Now and at the hour of our death..." 

Solo I'm coming. 

"In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Ghost. Amen," I whispered and I crossed myself. I felt another hit jar my side and then watched as the back-up power kicked in and continued waiting. This was the death of a soldier. This was the death of Death. 

Then, the intercomm beeped and I stared. In-coming. Not from a Gundam Pilot. I tentatively pressed the button. "Who is it?" I demanded, eyes blazing. 

"Pilot 02, this is Captain Thomas Johnson. You are hereby placed under arrest by..." 

I didn't bother listening to the rest of it. No one was going to fucking take Shinigami alive. I pressed the self-destruct button. There was no hesitancy like I thought there'd be. Just me and a little button. I winced. 

Wait... I shouldn't have time to wince. 

"Fuck," I yelled, turning an outgoing frequency to the other pilots. "Guys, I'm totally immobilized. Deathscythe's got near complete loss of power. I'm surrounded by Leo's and am being hooked up for transport. They appear to be waiting to pick me up. I tried self-destruct. Failure." 

There was silence on the other end. Then, I heard what I'd hoped I wouldn't hear. 

"Duo, do you have a gun?" came Heero's voice over the communicator. 

"Roger," I said. "Tell... oh.. screw it. I have no one to tell." 

Then, I lifted the gun to my temple. One bullet. That's all I have. For emergencies. These kinds of emergencies. Then, I began to pull myself together for touching that trigger. I stopped. 

"The fighting grew very fierce around Saul," I whispered into the microphone. "... and the archers caught up with him and wounded him severely. Saul groaned to his armor bearer, 'Take your sword and run me through before these pagan Philistines come and humiliate me.' But his armor bearer was afraid and would not do it, you see guys. So Saul took his own sword and fell on it. When his armor bearer realized that Saul was dead, he killed himself as well. So Saul and his three sons died together, bringing his dynasty to an end. Then, when the Israelites in the Jezreel Valley saw that Saul and his sons were dead, they abandoned their towns and fled. So the Philistines moved in and occupied their towns..." The gun slowly lowered and my finger came off the trigger. 

"Pilot 02, pull the trigger," came Heero's voice over the microphone. I took the bullet out of the gun and then tossed it away from me. Then, I laughed maniacally into the communicator. They were already loading my Gundam onto a larger ship and preparing to capture me. 

"Shut your pie-hole Heero. I haven't finished my story. Well, Saul died because he was unfaithful to the Lord. He failed to obey the Lord's command and he even consulted a medium instead of asking for guidance. So the Lord killed him and turned his lands over to other people who were more faithful. Do I deserve a quick death Heero? Should that be the consequences of my actions? Millions of deaths are my sins." 

"Duo, FIRE THE GUN!" Heero yelled. I hadn't heard Heero that angry in a while. "Omae o korosu!" 

"You're too far away to kill me. Now be quiet," I said continuing. "'Everyone is responsible for his life before God who has given it to him. It is God who remains the sovereign Master of Life. We are obliged to accept life gratefully and preserve it for His honor and the salvation of our souls. We are stewards, not owners, of the life God has entrusted to us. It is not ours to dispose of,'" I cried out. 

"Duo," I could hear Quatre's pleading voice. "I... I don't know which way is better. I don't want you to die... but we... we... can't save you if you..." 

"'Life is a gift from God, and that each individual is a steward. Thus, only God can start a life and only God should be allowed to end one. An individual who commits suicide is commutting a sin... I condemn all suicide because it violates one's natural desire to live, harms other people and life is a gift from God, only to be taken by God,'" I intoned. "Thomas Aquinas said that around 1225-1274. Smart dude. 'm sorry Heero. I can't do it. And, Shinigami won't do it." 

"You are braver than I, Duo Maxwell," came Wufei's voice. "However... what is about to happen to you... cannot be justified. I..." 

And that was when the hatch opened and all communication stopped.


	2. Cry of the Tortured

**2. Cry of the Tortured**  


  
I remember being dragged out of Deathscythe. I didn't even bother to fight like they  
expected me too. In fact, there was alot that they seemed to have expected and they didn't  
get much of it.  
  
"It's a girl! She can't be... much older than twelve..."  
  
"With that height and those muscles?"  
  
"Got a flat chest... could it be a boy?"  
  
"With that hair?"  
  
"Fuck you all!" I yelled at those conniving, stereotypical bastards. "I am Shinigami and I  
have killed more of your friends than I can count." I think they figured out the details after  
that. I was dragged by my braid into a dark room and there I waited.  
  
I think a day went by. Two. Three? Water came and went. I licked it off the walls where  
the moisture condensed. Hunger became a constant, grilling pain and eventually it numbed  
and disappeared.   
  
Then, one night... I woke and I was no longer in the room. At first I thought I was trapped  
in some throwback alien abduction movie from the Fox Network. Then, I tested my bonds  
and panic set it. In fact, I was getting quite used to panicking. It was becoming a  
trademark.  
  
The bonds wrapped around my arms and legs. My head was held down by restraints so  
that I couldn't move it... at all. The room was white and I felt my eyes naturally close at  
the brightness and I suppose after hours I fell asleep.   
  
A hissing noise and a furious burn was what I woke up to. Voices surrounded me and I  
watched as they held my eyes opened. Then, all I could do was scream as liquid was  
gently coaxed to thrive under hooded lids. After the first injection with the fine needle,  
they let me scream.  
  
It was all I could do.  
  
The burning, ripping pain seemed to ease its way into my mind and couldn't even  
comprehend what they were doing to me. Pain. Pain. PAIN. God! God! I should have  
taken the bullet... anything would be better than this.  
  
When I opened my eyes again, hoping to water the horrid pain out... all was black and it  
occured to me what had happened.   
  
"You FUCKERS! You blinded me!" I screamed. The pain reduced my voice to hoarse  
coughing and rough sobs in moments as I rocked in the restraints. Slowly. The restraints  
on my head was removed and I rocked back and forth. The table was moving... what?  
  
The restraints were lifted and I found myself hanging up from my arms. A dim vision of  
Christ on the cross flashed through my mind as I felt the restraints tightened on my legs. I  
was "standing" if you could call it that and tied spread-eagled to a hanging post. That was  
all I could feel.  
  
The ever-present darkness bit at me.  
  
"You killed one of my best buddies a couple days ago, faggot. He died as your scythe  
ripped him in half, screaming the names of his wife and children," a voice echoed. "So,  
beautiful boy, I'm going to make you regret it in the most horrible way."  
  
I felt him move behind me. I felt my clothes torn off my body and then the agony in my  
eyes was matched elsewhere. And, I regretted it in the most horrible way. Maybe someday  
I'll tell you about it. But, not now.  



	3. Cry of the Rescued

**3. Cry of the Rescued**  


  
The lash was something familiar. I'd been beaten for days and by now it was like  
clock-work. I could feel the leather cut into my skin. It opened up old sores and it made  
new. Then, the questions would come.  
  
"What are the other pilot's names?" the voice demanded.  
  
"Fox Mulder is Pilot 01," I laughed. Heero would appreciate that.  
  
"And the others," the voices demanded.   
  
"Pilot 03 is Monty Python," I winced. Make it look real be convincing. Oh, God. The pain.  
I can't take it anymore. Just make up answers. Is this lying? Not really. I think lying is  
acceptable when you're at death's door. I run... I hide, but I never lie. Wow. That went out  
the window quick. All it took was a little rape and a side of whipping.   
  
"Continue," the voice nodded. The whip was posed against my back and I could feel the  
blood coursing down my sides. I couldn't see. I couldn't see. I couldn't see.   
  
"Pilot 04 is Bill Gates," I almost snickered but caught it and made it into a whimper of  
pain. The cold air rocked my naked, battered body and I felt the bruises around my cry out  
in arguement.  
  
"Pilot 05?"   
  
"Pilot 05 is Jackie Chan," I said and then burst out crying. Even if all they wrung from me  
were lies, this still felt like another kind of rape. They were trying to get me... to hurt my  
friends. The worst betrayal. Screw sin of suicide. This was worse... where was that bullet?  
  
"Tell us how to repair your Gundam," was the next question.  
  
"No," I answered. Ah. The lie philosophy had returned when I had no creative retort. If I  
lied for that, they would find out anyway.   
  
The blows begain to fall everywhere but my face. They kept my face beautiful for the  
nights when I faced those soldiers. The angry ones that seemed to delight in making me  
scream as they fucked me. I couldn't take much more of this.   
  
At all.   
  
Then, the blows stopped falling and in my silent black prison I prayed to God like I never  
had before. I heard a choking noise and then a thud, followed by a strangled scream and  
another thud. Then, someone stood before me and I screamed.  
  
"Don'thurtme..don'ttouchme...don'trapeme... God! HELP ME!" I screamed and babbled  
and I felt myself quieted by a hand and then the last voice I expected greeted my ears.  
  
"02, status report," Heero's voice came and I felt the restraints being untied as I gasped  
and shuddered.  
  
"Exposed to a blinding induced chemical. Beating by whip, fist. Lacerations on back, two  
broken ribs and a broken ankle. Chafing at the wrists from restraints. Bruises probably on  
whole body..." then I paused and choked.  
  
"Maxwell, I need to know."  
  
"Anal tearing possible. Probably should be tested for any possible diseases," it was  
amazingly easy to say from a clinical standpoint. Amazingly easy.   
  
Then, Heero picked me up and carried me on his back. I had utterly no sense of time or  
direction. There was only darkness. I knew where we were heading, though and I laughed  
as I wondered how many he killed to get here. My voice was hoarse as I whispered, "Do  
the others know you came?"   
  
"No," Heero mumbled. "They're at your funeral today. I... I couldn't have an empty coffin  
for you. I wanted you there if you were... I wanted to... if you were... at least... the ones  
who dress as you do...." he fumbled over the words and I nodded, holding him tighter.  
  
"How did you survive this long?" he asked and jumped. I yelped as a broken rib bumped  
against his back and winced. He apologized with a "Hn."   
  
"Atonement," I whispered and he sighed. I could have sworn I heard a sob from him. No,  
it couldn't have been. Perfect Soldiers don't cry.   
  
Quickly, he moved into my Gundam and... I don't know what he did to be honest. All he  
did was fiddle with it... dictating to me as he went along. I sat and listened. It was all I  
could do. Then, once more he picked me up and I clung to him. I clung to the smell of  
musk and soap.   
  
"I'm going to strap you in with me in Wing. It's going to hurt," Heero said.  
  
Maybe Heero should have a 'no lying,' philosophy. The pain was magnificent and I felt the  
thrusters take off, the gentle hum that told me we were moving. He had programmed the  
bay to open just enough to engage Deathscythe's battered autopilot directly to a safe  
location. Then, we headed off and I clung to him.   
  
"Duo, I can't breathe..." Heero said icily.   
  
"Sorry," I mumbled as I cascaded into a familar feeling. Blackness.  
  
  
font size=3 face=arialbcenter4. Cry of the Frightened/center/b/font  
  
Landing was never so terrifying. Being unable to see and the feeling of falling woke me. I  
could hear things breaking. Trees and limbs? I didn't know and then... we stilled. Heero  
hugged me tight and kissed my forehead. Spandex Boy's lips felt hot against my forehead.  
  
"It's alright... we've landed," he said.  
  
I felt a scream choke in my throat as Heero unwrapped me from himself in the seat of  
Wing. The scream was quickly silenced and I hardened my jaw in the firm determination  
of Shinigami. I wouldn't scare anyone.  
  
Heero knew it was bad, but he hadn't had time to know how bad. All I could see was  
darkness around me. I could feel the wet of blood pooling down my face and reached out  
to touch it. Heero caught the movement and stopped my hand.  
  
"This is Oak, calling Apple, Sycamore and Pine," Heero bit into the phone. I heard  
"Apple" pipe up and was reassured by his voice.   
  
"This is Apple reading, over."  
  
"Willow has sustained injury. Extent unknown. Requesting cover to the safe-house,"  
Heero said slowly. The words seemed husky somehow, as if he fought to say what he  
didn't want to say.   
  
"Done, Oak. Cover from Sycamore. Apple out," Quatre said worridly back and I watched  
as the communications channel closed.  
  
"Duo... can you walk?" the darker boy asked slowly. He eased me from the cockpit and  
got me settled on the forest floor. I think it was a forest floor... the pine-needles felt like  
velvet under my fingers.  
  
"No..." I gasped. "Heero... my eyes..."  
  
"I know," Heero responded as he picked me up and slung me over his shoulders. I could  
feel him beneath me. I bit my hand so I wouldn't scream. That silky warmth that was  
constantly there and I clung to it. I couldn't see, but I could feel.  
  
I must have drifted off because when I came too, someone was cleaning my eyes. I could  
feel bathroom tile beneath me and heard Wufei's worried humming. Wufei hums when he's  
really worried. It really depends on the extent and it's always after the battle's over.  
Sometimes he hums when he's fixing things too. Beats me.  
  
Someone had bound my ankle and my ribs. I thought it was Wufei until I felt the tightness  
and recognized Heero's trademark perfection. His hands touched my side and stroked  
naked skin to let me know he was there. Thankfully, someone had graced me with a pair  
of familar spandex shorts and a loose tank-top. Hmph. Lack of fashion sense equals  
Perfect Soldier.  
  
I moved to get up.   
  
"No, Maxwell. Hold still," he said and I could feel him mopping blood from around my  
eyes.   
  
"Are they intact?" Trowa asked. I could hear Quatre crying in the background, his tears  
muffled slightly as he probably moved into Trowa's shirt.   
  
"Yes," Wufei mumbled. "However, it looks like the chemical has burned out the retina  
itself, I can barely see the color over the cuts. Duo, what did they use?"   
  
"Chemical OC-5," I said hesitatingly.  
  
"On it," I heard Heero mutter and then footsteps left the room in a patter of desperation.  
Heero was worried?  
  
Wufei had finished cleaning the blood and then slowly whispered, "Trowa? I'm gunna need  
you to hold him down."  
  
Hold me down? What for?  
  
That was when I screamed. My body bucked as Wufei forced water into my damaged  
eyes, forcing them open and I yelled for all I was worth. I bucked and fought him. Feeling  
Quatre move to help keep me down. Then, it was over and I was still screaming until my  
hoarse voice forced me to sobs.  
  
"It's okay Duo... it's alright," Quatre whispered with a hug as he squeezed my shoulder.  
  
"Can't see you Quatre... are you crying?" I asked, concern moving to my face.  
  
"Yes Duo," Quatre said back unashamed. I started to say something. That was when I  
heard the patterned sound of light footsteps in the hallway. Heero always walks with a  
perfect pattern. Perfect soldier, perfect walk. I could barely make them out and that was  
what pained me so. It was Heero. He had the news.  
  
"Chemical CO-5. It's a blinding chemical that causes great pain to the victim before they  
finally succomb to permanent blindness. The chemical is used by Oz under the notion that  
if the person has no sight, he is weakened and more likely to speak under interrogation. It  
also works in torture, needing no blindfold, and the torturee constantly unable to see the  
blow," Heero intoned.  
  
"How long?" I whispered. There was silence. The kind of silence when someone won't tell  
you something because they know it will hurt you. I was panicking. It was worse than  
panic. It was desperation. "I think I heard you wrong Heero. You forgot to mention when  
it wears off," I whispered again.   
  
"Duo," Heero said and I felt him hold my head in his hands as he kissed the side of my  
face. "I'm sorry."  
  
"No," I whispered, pushing him away. "It's not true. How long?"  
  
"Forever Duo," Heero whispered as easy as he could.   
  
I felt like smacking him or something. So I did. I fought and hit out at anything. I cried  
and sobbed and screamed and hissed. Finally, I stopped and just sobbed. "I can't see. I  
can't see," I chanted. I felt four hands on my body and voices deliberately making sounds  
to let me know where they were and slowly I began to calm down. Of course, calm is  
relative.  
  
"Get away from me all of you," I said harshly pushing those hands away. I could feel tears  
stroking down my face and knew they were mixed with blood as they ran into my mouth  
and I could taste the salty, mineral of blood. Quatre sniffled again.  
  
"Get the hell out Winner!" I hissed.  
  
"Duo-" Quatre started and I quickly located him by the sound of his voice.  
  
I clinched it for them when I hit Q-ball full in the face- hard. I heard Trowa move before  
the blow hit and and suddenly felt my head crack against the bathtub. Man. That was  
gunna leave one heck of a bump. However, adrenalin was pumping.   
  
"Get out you fucker! I won't hear you crying! You don't think I noticed that I'm hurt? You  
think I WANT people to feel sorry for me?" I screamed at him, not sure if it was 'him' I  
was looking out. "This could be the end for me and I have no where to go!"  
  
Then I felt warm arms envelope me and I fought. They were Heero's arms. They smelled  
like danger and Ivory Soap. He didn't even make a sound as my fist connected with his  
stomach and eventually I quieted. My voice turned down to hitching sobs and I felt hands  
in my hair. Did he think I missed that kiss earlier?  
  
Heero undid my braid and began to comb my hair... it was relaxing. I even stopped  
sobbing. Eventually, the tears stopped running down my face as well. Then, I promptly fell  
asleep dreaming of unruly brown hair and cobalt eyes you could fall into. Those things that  
I could never see again.


	4. Cry of the Frightened

**4. Cry of the Frightened**  


  
Landing was never so terrifying. Being unable to see and the feeling of falling woke me. I  
could hear things breaking. Trees and limbs? I didn't know and then... we stilled. Heero  
hugged me tight and kissed my forehead. Spandex Boy's lips felt hot against my forehead.  
  
"It's alright... we've landed," he said.  
  
I felt a scream choke in my throat as Heero unwrapped me from himself in the seat of  
Wing. The scream was quickly silenced and I hardened my jaw in the firm determination  
of Shinigami. I wouldn't scare anyone.  
  
Heero knew it was bad, but he hadn't had time to know how bad. All I could see was  
darkness around me. I could feel the wet of blood pooling down my face and reached out  
to touch it. Heero caught the movement and stopped my hand.  
  
"This is Oak, calling Apple, Sycamore and Pine," Heero bit into the phone. I heard  
"Apple" pipe up and was reassured by his voice.   
  
"This is Apple reading, over."  
  
"Willow has sustained injury. Extent unknown. Requesting cover to the safe-house,"  
Heero said slowly. The words seemed husky somehow, as if he fought to say what he  
didn't want to say.   
  
"Done, Oak. Cover from Sycamore. Apple out," Quatre said worridly back and I watched  
as the communications channel closed.  
  
"Duo... can you walk?" the darker boy asked slowly. He eased me from the cockpit and  
got me settled on the forest floor. I think it was a forest floor... the pine-needles felt like  
velvet under my fingers.  
  
"No..." I gasped. "Heero... my eyes..."  
  
"I know," Heero responded as he picked me up and slung me over his shoulders. I could  
feel him beneath me. I bit my hand so I wouldn't scream. That silky warmth that was  
constantly there and I clung to it. I couldn't see, but I could feel.  
  
I must have drifted off because when I came too, someone was cleaning my eyes. I could  
feel bathroom tile beneath me and heard Wufei's worried humming. Wufei hums when he's  
really worried. It really depends on the extent and it's always after the battle's over.  
Sometimes he hums when he's fixing things too. Beats me.  
  
Someone had bound my ankle and my ribs. I thought it was Wufei until I felt the tightness  
and recognized Heero's trademark perfection. His hands touched my side and stroked  
naked skin to let me know he was there. Thankfully, someone had graced me with a pair  
of familar spandex shorts and a loose tank-top. Hmph. Lack of fashion sense equals  
Perfect Soldier.  
  
I moved to get up.   
  
"No, Maxwell. Hold still," he said and I could feel him mopping blood from around my  
eyes.   
  
"Are they intact?" Trowa asked. I could hear Quatre crying in the background, his tears  
muffled slightly as he probably moved into Trowa's shirt.   
  
"Yes," Wufei mumbled. "However, it looks like the chemical has burned out the retina  
itself, I can barely see the color over the cuts. Duo, what did they use?"   
  
"Chemical OC-5," I said hesitatingly.  
  
"On it," I heard Heero mutter and then footsteps left the room in a patter of desperation.  
Heero was worried?  
  
Wufei had finished cleaning the blood and then slowly whispered, "Trowa? I'm gunna need  
you to hold him down."  
  
Hold me down? What for?  
  
That was when I screamed. My body bucked as Wufei forced water into my damaged  
eyes, forcing them open and I yelled for all I was worth. I bucked and fought him. Feeling  
Quatre move to help keep me down. Then, it was over and I was still screaming until my  
hoarse voice forced me to sobs.  
  
"It's okay Duo... it's alright," Quatre whispered with a hug as he squeezed my shoulder.  
  
"Can't see you Quatre... are you crying?" I asked, concern moving to my face.  
  
"Yes Duo," Quatre said back unashamed. I started to say something. That was when I  
heard the patterned sound of light footsteps in the hallway. Heero always walks with a  
perfect pattern. Perfect soldier, perfect walk. I could barely make them out and that was  
what pained me so. It was Heero. He had the news.  
  
"Chemical CO-5. It's a blinding chemical that causes great pain to the victim before they  
finally succomb to permanent blindness. The chemical is used by Oz under the notion that  
if the person has no sight, he is weakened and more likely to speak under interrogation. It  
also works in torture, needing no blindfold, and the torturee constantly unable to see the  
blow," Heero intoned.  
  
"How long?" I whispered. There was silence. The kind of silence when someone won't tell  
you something because they know it will hurt you. I was panicking. It was worse than  
panic. It was desperation. "I think I heard you wrong Heero. You forgot to mention when  
it wears off," I whispered again.   
  
"Duo," Heero said and I felt him hold my head in his hands as he kissed the side of my  
face. "I'm sorry."  
  
"No," I whispered, pushing him away. "It's not true. How long?"  
  
"Forever Duo," Heero whispered as easy as he could.   
  
I felt like smacking him or something. So I did. I fought and hit out at anything. I cried  
and sobbed and screamed and hissed. Finally, I stopped and just sobbed. "I can't see. I  
can't see," I chanted. I felt four hands on my body and voices deliberately making sounds  
to let me know where they were and slowly I began to calm down. Of course, calm is  
relative.  
  
"Get away from me all of you," I said harshly pushing those hands away. I could feel tears  
stroking down my face and knew they were mixed with blood as they ran into my mouth  
and I could taste the salty, mineral of blood. Quatre sniffled again.  
  
"Get the hell out Winner!" I hissed.  
  
"Duo-" Quatre started and I quickly located him by the sound of his voice.  
  
I clinched it for them when I hit Q-ball full in the face- hard. I heard Trowa move before  
the blow hit and and suddenly felt my head crack against the bathtub. Man. That was  
gunna leave one heck of a bump. However, adrenalin was pumping.   
  
"Get out you fucker! I won't hear you crying! You don't think I noticed that I'm hurt? You  
think I WANT people to feel sorry for me?" I screamed at him, not sure if it was 'him' I  
was looking out. "This could be the end for me and I have no where to go!"  
  
Then I felt warm arms envelope me and I fought. They were Heero's arms. They smelled  
like danger and Ivory Soap. He didn't even make a sound as my fist connected with his  
stomach and eventually I quieted. My voice turned down to hitching sobs and I felt hands  
in my hair. Did he think I missed that kiss earlier?  
  
Heero undid my braid and began to comb my hair... it was relaxing. I even stopped  
sobbing. Eventually, the tears stopped running down my face as well. Then, I promptly fell  
asleep dreaming of unruly brown hair and cobalt eyes you could fall into. Those things that  
I could never see again.  



	5. Cry of the Watcher

**5. Cry of the Watcher  
**

  
I padded into the living room with a sigh. Then, I leaned against the wall and hit my head  
against it for a second. Duo was hurt... Duo was badly hurt. Badly hurt. My baka. My..?  
  
"If you're going to take your frustration out on something... why not go fix his Gundam,"  
Wufei snorted from the couch.   
  
"How is Winner?" I asked, glancing at Wufei as I turned around. I stood, shirt covered in  
Duo-snot, looking for all the world like I was still on a mission. Duo was my mission.   
  
"Fine. Trowa's icing his cheek. It's a good thing that Duo couldn't-" Wufei stopped.  
  
"Be careful," I said slowly. "You don't have anyone to ice your cheek."  
  
Wufei glanced at my face momentarily and then returned to his book. That look brooked  
no arguement. None whatsoever.   
  
I walked up to the bedroom and slid into the bed. Duo was sleeping uneasily and I slid on  
top of the sheets and tucked a pillow under my chest for leverage. Then, I grabbed my  
laptop from the side of the bed and turned it on instantly beginning to type my resquest.  
  
_From Pilot 01:  
02 has been permanently blinded after torture with enemy agents. Both Gundam and  
Pilot have been recovered with minimal exposure. Request E.W.D. to be installed on  
Gundam Deathscythe. If not, 01 and 02's resignations are attached and the Gundams will  
be destroyed. _  
  
I nodded. That covered it, but... why had I put the last bit in? In fact, why had I attached  
the resignations at all...? How much did he mean to me... to make me act against the  
mission? I didn't need to think about that right now. E.W.D would be installed and there  
would be no problems.   
  
Yet... even with E.W.D. he wouldn't see much. The program barely gave visual and was  
more for... aid to those with slow reactions. Duo... liability? The two words didn't  
compute. Beside me Duo stirred and wrinkled his nose. I said nothing and he continued to  
flop all over me, legs tangling with mine until those sightless eyes opened and he stiffened.  
  
"Heero?"   
  
"Aa," I said simply.  
  
"I was afraid you were someone else. How mad are they at me?" he continued. "I didn't  
mean to hit Quatre. I really don't know what happened to come over me like that."  
  
"..." I murmered in acknowledgement before I realized that he couldn't read my eyes  
anymore... he needed me to say something.  
  
"Barton handled it," I responded.   
  
"Oh, that's good. They make good lovers. I wish I had a lover like that. Don't you?" there  
was a wistful sound in those words and I held my breath. "Not many woman Gundam  
pilots are there Heero? Maybe better that way. You'd get them all." Then, I almost felt my  
hair stand up. "HEEE-ROOOOOO, where are you? I love you Heerrooooo! I found you  
again Heero!"  
  
I whacked him with a pillow.   
  
Duo didn't like men. He liked women. Of course. Stupid, Yuy. Only 10% of the  
population was typically homosexual. Five Gundam pilots. TWO of which are  
homosexual. It is altogether beyond likely that Duo would... enjoy men.  
  
"Have you sent in my..."  
  
"..."  
  
"Heero?"   
  
I felt his legs wrap around my waist as one foot slipped under body and he tugged.  
  
"Heero?"  
  
"HEERROOOOO!"  
  
"Omae o korosu!" I said.  
  
"Jeez," he muttered and I mentally slapped myself. It can't ever be like it was again. He  
can't see that you don't mean it.   
  
"I'm trying to get E.W.D installation requirements," I snorted.  
  
"Eww?"   
  
"E.W.D. Echolocation-based Wave Device. It'll allow you to pilot your Gundam. I hope.  
It will input images directly to your brain and allow you to locate targets. It will make  
Deathscythe slower however. It's no little installation," I finished. "It works similar to-" I  
babbled on. That behavior was unusual for me and I stopped it.  
  
There was silence and then I found myself tugged into a tight embrace and it didn't seem  
like Duo was planning on letting go- at all.  



	6. Cry of the Hopeful

**6. Cry of the Hopeful**  


  
"'I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will guide you with my  
eye... be glad in the Lord and rejoice, you righteous; and shout for joy all you upright in  
heart,' Psalms 32:8," I whispered. I was curled against a warmth and I knew from the rise  
and fall of the being, that whoever it was (most likely Heero) that they were awake.  
  
"What does it mean?" Heero asked quietly.  
  
"It's about how God guides us," I mumbled. "We learned it at the..."  
  
"I'm sorry," he said in response to my empty trailing off. I knew that the pain had written  
itself into my face. It always does. He touched my chin softly and forced me to look at  
him. "They're nice. Give me another one now."  
  
"No please or thank you, Heero?" I laughed.  
  
"Hn," he snorted and I could feel him waiting. He was serious about this. Very serious.  
So, I took a deep breath.  
  
"'Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all  
your ways acknowledge Him and he shall direct your paths,'" I intoned. "Proverbs 3:5 to  
6."  
  
"Why were you saying....?" he said. Wow. What a speech for ya, Hee-chan.  
  
"I think I need a little guidance," I said slowly. "I can't even find the bathroom... without  
help. Can I?"   
  
"You will be able to," Heero said simply.  
  
"Oh?"   
  
"Yes. 6 steps to get to our door. Open it. Then turn to the left. 12 steps forward. Then  
turn to the right. Two steps to the door. Open it. The sink is to your left. The shower is  
four steps foward. The toilet is three steps forward," Heero said and I heard the sounds of  
his laptop booting up and then the familiar sounds of tapping.   
  
"How the fuck did you do that?" I demanded, memorizing the information.   
  
"Trowa and I did it last night. Trowa and Quatre felt you needed some space and that  
being able to move around independantly might help," Heero said. There echoed another,  
'Hn,' and then the tapping.  
  
"Dining room," I demanded.  
  
"6 steps to the door. Open it. Turn to the right. Two steps. Stairs. There are 13 of them.  
Turn to the left at the bottom. Sixteen steps down the hall. Turn to the right. Open the  
door. That's the kitchen and dining area," Heero said clearly. I memorized it.  
  
"And my clothes?" I asked.  
  
"Get off the bed. Turn to the right. Dresser is one step," Heero said without hesitating.  
"We took the colored clothes out. Everything is black so it shouldn't matter if you get  
anything wrong."  
  
"Heero," I began before I grabbed him. It was completely random. I don't usually do this  
kind of thing. Suddenly, I wanted him. He saved me. He came after me... even when the  
others knew I was dead. It wasn't about debt payment. It was about trust.  
  
Trust is something that slowly gets chipped from you after a while. They say that soldiers  
have to trust eachother. The truth is that when you're used to getting guns shoved in your  
face, the trust dissipates pretty damn quick. There is no trust. Now, I wanted to show  
trust.   
  
This wasn't going to be about love. I wanted to tell the boy... the man that saved me that I  
trusted him. That I wanted him. That I wanted him with me. So, I rolled him over and  
straddled him quickly. I could feel the surprise radiating from him and laughed as I moved  
forward to capture his lips in a kiss. The surprise faded quickly as I felt his tongue push  
gently past my lips. Heero tasted like listerine and cherries. It was an odd combination that  
I liked as I felt his arms encircle me.   
  
There was momentary panic and memories of rape and torture. I shoved those away. I  
needed sex. I didn't know why, but I needed it and I wasn't going to examine anything too  
closely. Heero. His smell, his being and I wanted and needed him. Now!  
  
Hands tugged gently at my shirt and I smiled slowly, showing him that it was alright.  
Pausing for a moment, Heero studied me and then flipped us. I found myself on bottom  
and growled in surprise.   
  
"You're mine?" he asked and I almost whimpered as I felt the ghost kisses against my  
neckline and the sucking pressure against my collarbone.  
  
"Yours," I whispered back with a moan. Hell with it, he could fuck me. Anything. He  
could have anything he wanted from me as long as he would never, ever stop.  
  
Buttons slowly were undone and I felt tickling fingers against my chest. His tongue slowly  
licked butterfly kisses into the shell of my ear as I writhed. There is no other word for it.  
In under five minutes, he had me moaning on the bed. I could feel the flush on my cheeks  
and could only wonder where his hands, his lips, his body would be next.  
  
Lips pressed chastely against mine and I found him gripping my hand tightly, like it was an  
anchor. I could imagine those sultry blue eyes looking at me and took a breath. "Duo, are  
you sure? After..." he said.  
  
"Yes," I almost yelled impatiently. "I need it. I need it. I don't know why, but I need it." I  
tried to pull him back down to me, so that my mind could be back in that guessing game  
of pleasure, but he escaped.  
  
"Then I better lock the door," the perfect soldier said.   



	7. Cry of the Lover

**7. Cry of the Lover**  


  
I moved the bolt to the left and heard the ominous click as the door locked. I took a  
breath and then another. It was a simple matter of preparation right? Duo would laugh at  
me, looking clinically at something that was passion, but I didn't want to hurt him. He  
needed it, I wanted it. Just casual. Rumor has it soldiers have done it in the past, why not  
now?   
  
....  
  
Preparation. I needed a lubricant. Trowa's bag. Moving stealthily, I started going through  
the silent soldier's luggage. Everyone had dumped their things in here. It was logical. I  
slept here. I would destroy everything if we were discovered and it was easier this way  
than going from room to room. I found 03's bag and pulled his toiletries from it, thanking  
him for not taking it out and grabbed a condom and a small vial of oil. I hoped there  
wouldn't be a scent, but the hope was empty. It better, at least, not be flowers or  
something ridiculous. Hn. 04.   
  
Duo had sat up on the bed, his hand resting on his crotch and moving slowly as sightless  
eyes searched the room. The scars crisscrossed his eyes in a milky pattern, turning it into a  
lighter violet as white mixed with purple. It didn't matter, he was still beautiful. Chestnut  
hair had come undone somehow in our play and the strands flew gently over his shoulders  
as the braid slowly unwound without the rubberband to hold it. Yes, he was beautiful.  
  
"Heero?" he asked the room.  
  
"I'm here," I said, standing up with my finds. I slid onto the bed, setting them aside and  
then moved to unbutton his shirt. The buttons came loose easily and I slid the shirt over  
his head. The black garment hit the floor somewhere and Duo jumped at the sound.   
  
"It's alright," I whispered.  
  
"Please..." he chanted in response and I looked at him surprised. He was begging? For  
what? "Please... touch me..." That cleared things up. Roger.  
  
My hands played against his sides and I marveled at the pale, creamy skin of his body. Lips  
tugged at nipples, biting softly and then easing pain. I could listen to his gasps forever. I  
was between his legs and crawled forward, playing with his neck and planting kisses. His  
collarbone seemed to get the loudest cry.  
  
I had to be careful, balancing myself so I wouldn't hurt his ribs, as I moved my kisses  
downward. He smelled so wonderful. His skin was like... I don't know what it was like...  
but it was perfect. He was the perfect one, not me.   
  
"Yes..." Duo cried and I felt strong legs wrap around me and jumped in surprise. He may  
have understood trust, but the concept was foreign to me. I knew control. Quickly, I  
undid his pants with my teeth, tugging at buttons and then easing the offending cloth down  
perfect, sculpted legs.  
  
He was Apollo.   
  
And, Apollo had decided not to wear underwear. Closing my hand around him, I felt him  
jump in surprise. His back arched and he thrust himself into my hands. Stroking along the  
sides of his cock, I gasped as he flushed. His eyes were open and he was lost. Yet, his  
hands still sought me.  
  
Why me?  
  
"Now... Heero, I want you!" the Deathscythe pilot cried and I found myself hesitating.  
  
"Ninmu ryoukai," I assented and then I felt his hands tear off my shirt. I wished I had  
thought of that. It would have saved time. The spandex went the same way and Duo  
laughed, "Mmm, going commando, eh Heero?"   
  
"Aa."  
  
I rested above him, letting his hands explore me. A moment later, I moaned as his hand  
closed around my erection, a finger stroked the surface and slowly traced the slit at the  
head. Silky hands became my universe and then I felt him move. The warmth of his hands  
left and I bit back a gasp of disappointment.   
  
I wasn't disappointed for long. Hands slowly pressed me to the bed and I let them, I knew  
I could bolt at any moment. I knew I could get away at the first sign of an enemy. A  
moment later I think I even forgot where my gun was. A warmth eased it's way over me  
and I opened my eyes to see a chestnut head of hair buried between my legs.  
  
I could feel his lips play with me, licking everywhere. Duo. Duo. Duo. His tongue lapped  
at me and played, moving to fondle one ball and then the other as he ran his teeth slowly  
down me. Never in one spot for very long. He was good... nothing had ever felt this good.  
I was on the verge of it... balancing on a chasm I hadn't begun to understand.   
  
Then, he pulled away and I know I whimpered. There was laughter. "I don't want you to  
come yet," Duo whispered and then kissed me roughly. I could taste a slight hint of  
something I recognized as me on his lips and he seemed inclined to share.   
  
"I want you to come in me," he whispered against my jawbone and I nodded.  
  
"Hai," I whispered and if it were possible to become any harder, I would have been. I was  
going to be in Duo. Beautiful Duo. Strong Duo. Sexy Duo. What was making me think all  
these things? Wasn't he just a loud-mouthed baka?  
  
Duo lay against the bed and I watched as he slowly spread his legs for me. I moaned and  
moved, my hands trailing at the inside of thighs as I pressed his legs further up until I  
could see my goal. Reaching under the pillow, I grabbed the stolen oil and quickly  
dribbled it down him, running it on my fingers as well.  
  
Duo gasped and I winced. I hadn't heated it. "Mmm... keep going," the pale boy  
whispered.  
  
Slowly, I pressed one finger past his muscles, easing it into his body and I shook slightly.  
In Duo. I waited until he had adjusted and then slowly worked it inside him, stretching as I  
went until he had started rocking against me. I added another finger as gradually and  
began scissoring it inside him. He continued fucking himself against my hand until I felt  
something brush against my fingers.  
  
"God!" Duo cried and I repeated the motion as he writhed against me. I repeated it once  
more, loving his cries and moans of passion until he said the words I had waited for.  
"Ready... now!"  
  
"Hn," I said in a husky voice I hardly recognized as I placed the condom on carefully.  
Then, Duo grabbed me down for a passionate kiss and I moved to lift his legs. 


	8. Cry of the Beloved

**8. Cry of the Beloved  
**

  
  
I felt my legs lifted up to where they rested against his shoulders. Then, I moaned and  
pulled at him. I could feel him lining up against my body and then, I felt him begin to press  
into me. I was impatient. What part of the word now is hard to understand?  
  
However, Heero carefully held my hips down. A soft chuckle greeted my ears and I  
snorted. Then, he pressed himself the rest of the way in and waited, he held as my muscles  
relaxed. Finally, he pulled out.  
  
Then, he thrust back in and I cried out his name as I grabbed onto him. This was good.  
My mind overloaded and all I could think was: Heero, Heero, Heero. His cock was big...  
and in me. That thought made me thrust my hips upward and I found that he was no  
longer holding me down. I liked that.  
  
Control. It was control. Heero wasn't the only one who needed that.  
  
I felt his hands close on me and moaned as he continued. He picked a rhythm and then  
leaned down to kiss me. Listerine and cherries again. I knew he could taste himself on me  
and I knew it reminded him as my tongue slipped past his lips.   
  
Hands delved into my hair and ran through strands of chestnut. I wondered absently where  
the tie had gone. It was a desperate beat as we warred for dominance. I thrust my hips  
upward as Heero moved inside of me. I felt his warm body against me and could hear him  
crash into me. I scratched against his back as our lips met, hips snapping upward as I  
moved. Here he was, my perfect soldier, falling over and over into my body.   
  
Slowly, my mind was losing itself. I was gone. The pleasure built as I cried out against him  
and he seemed to sense me because he moved harder. His hand against me stroked faster  
with our rhythm. Our.   
  
"Yes! Heero!" I cried and suddenly I was coming between both of us. My muscles  
tightened and he yelled my name, as rarely as he does that, and I could feel him coming  
with one final thrust and a tightening of the hands on my hips that was definitely going to  
leave a mark. I wrapped my legs around him and we stayed that way for a moment.  
  
The moment seemed suspended and I could swear that if there is Heaven on earth, I had  
just found it. Then, Heero pulled from me and I heard the distant sounds of him cleaning  
up.   
  
Then, he climbed into the bed and kissed me softly, pulling the covers over both of us.  
Heero grabbed me, dragging me into a warm cavern of shaggy hair, warm breath, and the  
clean scent of soap. He rubbed my chest, moving in shapes as he tilted my chin upward  
and tenderly kissed my nose.   
  
It was gentle, like the soft beat of falling leaves, against my skin. Then, the kiss moved to  
my neck... and lower to my collar-bone. So familar. Bumps raised against my skin and he  
slowly blew against them. I shivered.  
  
"Heero?" I asked, questioning.   
  
"I love you Duo," he said simply as he lay against a pillow. "And because I do, I can wait.  
But, I'm not going to just fuck your brains out every night, as wonderful as that is, so that  
you won't remember for a moment. I want more than that and you deserve more than that.  
I want you to talk to me."  
  
"I..."  
  
"It's alright," Heero nodded. "Go to sleep. But, you will talk to me... won't you?"  
  
"It's all I ever do, isn't it?" I laughed and hugged him tight.  
  
"Without the masks?" the man replied. I'm thinking of Heero as a man from here on out.  
There's no way the creature I was holding was a child. He... knew.  
  
"I'll try," I said slowly. "Heero..."  
  
"Hn?"  
  
"I wanted to see you," I said slowly, child-like.  
  
"I know."  
  


-TBC-


	9. Cry of Confusion

**9. Cry of Confusion**  


  
I woke up with him sleeping against me. He smelled of sweat and looked like he'd just  
been given the biggest piece of chocolate ever offered. I smirked and wondered if he was  
sore. Okay, I have a small ego.   
  
I woke and stretched my muscles. In all honesty, I was confused. He had just been  
violated and tortured sexually and otherwise, and yet he comes to me, seeking exactly  
what was used to hurt him, for comfort. That was... totally illogical.  
  
So, was Duo.  
  
I suppose it could have to do with... love? Did he need love? Maybe... he thought I was  
incapable of that and that he'd just have to settle for sex. Did I love Duo? I didn't know. I  
thought I did at one point. However, love is a definite liability for a soldier. If you love  
another soldier, then you worry about keeping them and yourself alive before the mission.  
Sometimes you aren't meant to stay alive. Sometimes you're just meant to accomplish the  
mission.  
  
Slipping from the bed, I heard a muttered "Stay," from the bed before Duo hugged a  
pillow in replacement of me.   
  
Losing my virginity didn't make me feel any different. Aren't I supposed to feel more...  
manly or something? Hn. Irrelevant.  
  
Slipping on a clean pair of shorts and then grabbing a tank-top, I unlocked the door and  
headed into the living room. I was intending on going into the kitchen, but I was stopped  
by three eyes staring gleefully at me.  
  
"Hn," I snorted and tried to move past.  
  
"Details?" Quatre asked tentatively. "We heard... er... noise."  
  
"No," I said and tried to move past but I was blocked. "Move."  
  
"What happened?" Trowa asked and I wondered how much affect Quatre was having on  
his personality. Afterall, he usually never questioned like this.   
  
"He needed something. I gave it," I said, and finally pushed them out of the way. As I  
passed, I heard a sniff from Quatre. Then, I realized I still smelled of sweat and sex. I  
hadn't taken a shower yet.   
  
"I knew it! You slept together! Oh, congratulations Heero!" the pilot exclaimed. Trowa  
and I looked at him like he was from another planet. He acted like he wanted to plan a  
slumber-party.  
  
"You and me, upstairs. Now," Trowa said to me, narrowing his eye, and Quatre frowned,  
looking confused.  
  
"Uh... not a happy moment?"   
  
I followed Trowa upstairs and waited for the bathroom door to close before he looked me  
up and down. I stood, closest to the door, hand on the gun hidden near me and  
instinctually looking for all exits in case Trowa decided the current developement wasn't  
to his liking. I wouldn't want to have to kill an ally, but I would.  
  
"I read your original report on Duo's condition and so did Wufei. Quatre didn't, but we  
read it very carefully Heero," the pilot said.  
  
"Hn," I retorted.  
  
"So, the fact that you just screwed a rape victim has me a little worried," Trowa finished.  
He crossed his arms in front of him and then waited.  
  
"Duo initiated the encounter, if that's what you want to know."  
  
"Look, Heero, that's not the point. Do you even...? Had you ever...?" Trowa began,  
unsure.  
  
"No," I said, reddening. "Never."  
  
"That explains... a lot. They took something from him that he guards with his life. Control.  
It's not really my place to guess, but wouldn't you say even the hair's about control?  
Calling himself Death in hopes of controlling it maybe? I don't know. What I do know is  
that they took control from him when they... raped him."  
  
"I already said he initiated the encounter. Are you accusing me of raping him? If you are,  
you might want to leave," I said slowly.   
  
"I'm just saying that even sex with someone safe right after being tortured might not be a  
good idea," Trowa responded.   
  
"Hn," I mumbled. "I already told him much of the same thing. It happened... so fast."  
  
"Actually, it's been quite a while. We've been forced to listen to you for at least an hour  
and probably more-"  
  
"Shut up," I said, opening the door. "I'll look into it. He said he would talk to me."  
  
"Good."  
  
"Hn," I said as I walked away. This was getting complicated and I didn't need to think  
about it right now. I didn't want to think about it ever. I felt... complicated.  
  
[Author's Note: I'm looking for a few good betas! All my betas currently are on different  
projects so chapters 9-12 are currently unrevised. If you'd be interested in checking for  
grammer, plot problems, confusing dialogue etc., drop me a line at  
stormwindktreva@aol.com. I'd also be posting future chapters to you first to be checked  
before hitting ff.net with them. If Gundam Wing isn't your thing I have two Cardcaptor  
Sakura fics needing betas as well as a ton of original fics.]


	10. Cry of the Transitioned

**10. Cry of the Transitioned**  


  
I woke up to darkness and winced as I rolled over and felt discomfort shoot up my spine.  
Happy-fucking-discomfort! Leaning against the pillows, I smiled for a momemt. So, who  
would have known? The Ice King himself has a soft side.   
  
Getting up and finding my clothes was difficult. I didn't even bother trying to find the old  
ones, I figured Heero had taken them to the wash or hung them up or done something to  
get them off of the floor. Managing to find the piles that Heero and Trowa had set for me  
in the darkness, I quickly slipped into my usual.  
  
The hair was another problem. No tie.  
  
"Screw it," I mumbled and then I got up and counted six steps. Then, I felt my way along  
the wall untill it stopped and turned to my right. Two more steps were taken forward untill  
I reached the stairs. I eased my way down all thirteen of them, refusing to step on the first  
and last steps. My hands clung to the railing and I bit my lip. Turning left at the bottom, I  
realized I couldn't remember any further. What had he said? What had he said?  
  
The wall was slowly slipped down and I fell. I fell in a messy heap against the wall. What  
color was it? I felt wood under my fingers. I felt cool wood beneath my feet. The wall was  
soft.   
  
The tears started to fall before I could stop them. It was something so beautiful, but I was  
tainted. A dirty, messy little street rat.   
  
"Duo?" a voice called out. I recognized Wufei. There were other steps in the room and I  
recognized Quatre's noisy walk. He didn't sniffle or give himself away. He was smart in  
that area. Trowa is so good for him.  
  
"Sorry, I, uh... just couldn't... oh God," I broke out in tears then. I felt at my temples and  
touched my bruised eyelids and hit myself hard. "Work dammit," I screamed and I felt  
Wufei grab my hands.   
  
"Maxwell," the Chinese man stated. "There was no justice in what was done to you.  
They're the ones who are tainted. Not you."  
  
I felt a hand touch my side, urging me up and I batted it away. It was Heero. Again,  
danger and Ivory soap tinged with listerine and cherries. Wufei smelled of incense and  
justice dancing among jasmine and dragon's blood. They were so different. Yet, I needed  
neither for comfort.   
  
"Somewhere out there is a happy little clown named Moe, guys. All he does all day is  
dance and hand out balloons to the little rich kids that come to the carnival," I muttered.  
"And if you bring him crack like the bad men say, he'll give you one too."  
  
Heero picked me up. I felt him place one arm under my legs and the other around my  
shoulder and lift me. My hair caught under his shoe and he lifted it, carrying me slowly up  
the stairs. Setting me down on the floor, I felt him drag some pillows down and support  
my body and then blankets. I understood clearly. He wouldn't touch me on a bed. He  
wouldn't comfort me on a bed.  
  
It was time to talk.   
  
So, I talked. Should I tell you what I said? The ages of confessions I gave to Heero? Nah.  
You wouldn't want to hear about all that. Take every bad story you've heard from your  
teachers and every whispered horror that graced the news. Dance on graves and scream to  
the Heavens. Perdition comes to us all. Just a piece sampled me, my friend. Just a piece  
was granted to Duo Maxwell.  
  
Fine, you win. Me and Heero, a heart-felt talk. I know what you're thinking. No  
candlelight? No fire? No moon? No roses and confessions of love? Give me a break. We're  
men. Romanticism is all good, but unfortunately mostly the dream of housewives and  
teenage girls. So, you asked for it. This is how it went.   
  
  
"Hn?" Heero asked silently. He had returned with a brush and a comb. His sombre attitude  
was what I needed. Heero doesn't radiate some mystical compassion like Wufei. He  
doesn't look like the Easter Bunny's been run over by a car whenever someone gets hurt  
like Quatre. He doesn't need to be understood like Trowa. Heero is simply Heero. A  
perfect soldier who is pretending to be perfect while hiding little misperfections that only I  
can know about.  
  
"I need you to listen Heero," I said softly. "Can you do that?"   
  
He must have nodded in the darkness but I had no way of knowing, so I continued, "The  
rules are that you can't say anything, alright? I couldn't stand it if you said something, I'd  
hate you. But, you can't not say anything unless I tell you that you can't. That's even  
worse. Judgement or sympathy are two things I hate the most."  
  
Heero touched me. I knew he understood. A simple touch to the knee of black jeans was  
all it took. I don't need soft, loving words. No kisses or dances in moonlight. I wasn't  
looking for love. I guess I was looking for understanding.  
  
"I'm trash Heero. The worst kind of trash you can imagine. They took me in Heero. That  
church meant everything to me," I whispered. "But you know that story. It was...  
explosions and Hellfire. I hated them so much. I hated it. I did what I had to do to survive.  
I stole. I dealt drugs. I sold garbage to rich people and igloos to eskimos."  
  
I looked away.   
  
"I whored," I said. I bit my lip and felt his touch on my shoulder. That was almost too  
much. Oh, just hate me dammit! Hate me! Curse me! Hit me! Destroy me!  
  
Love me.  
  
"I was quick and bright. The ultimate pickpocket and incurable kleoptomaniac," I nodded.  
"That was me. I was Death. I was Shinigami. But, don't you get it? I made my choices. I  
made them. If I wanted to whore myself off so I could eat, dammit I did it. I didn't have  
to, but I did it."  
  
Heero's hand had eased to my shoulder. It touched me gently. Too gently. Too softly.  
Can't he see I need him to hurt me? That's what I need. I swear it is. Right?  
  
"Sister Helen and the Father. I loved them. They're the only people that ever made me  
good," I whispered. "That's the only time I was ever good. I'm going to rot in hell,  
Heero."  
  
I heard him start to speak and reached out, shoving him hard. I think he got the message  
because he quieted and I continued, "I failed. My hands are dirty. If the condition of my  
soul was what you saw right now, you'd be disgusted. Blood from murders, grime from  
sex, stains from drugs and burns from death make up my soul, Heero. Everything I touch  
dies. I guess for a while I thought that... since everything I touch dies... I must be Death."  
  
Heero leaned against me for a moment. I could feel where he hid his gun in his pants and it  
was mildly comforting.   
  
"I'm not Death. I'll never be Death. I can't control Death, no matter how much I pretend I  
can. I pretended that, if I was Death, I took those lives and it was my choice. A  
power-struggle of the must delicate," I nodded.   
  
"Those men... I had hurt them. I was Death for them. I can't prevent Death. I can't choose  
who dies. I can only cause death, Heero. How do you deal with it Heero? Tell me. You  
can talk. Tell me..." I broke off in a sob.   
  
Heero simply touched me.  
  
"I want to be innocent. I want to be like Quatre. He protected his innocence through this  
entire war and you can see it shining off of him. I was dirty before they touched me. But, I  
had it. I had an understanding. I had this dream that I was Death and that I was in control.  
I'm not. Those men stripped me of it. I... I can't tell you what they did.  
  
"It was bad Heero. I can tell you that much. It was bad," I whispered. "Over and over. I  
can't remember being in that much pain before. I couldn't see, Heero. I can't see. I'm  
completely at the mercy of others."  
  
Heero touched my knee and stroked it softly. I nodded.  
  
"You want to heal me."  
  
"Hn. Affirmative," he mumbled.  
  
"Do you want to know what's wrong?" I asked, teasingly.  
  
"Hn?"  
  
"I'm damned, Heero. Utterly damned."


	11. Cry of the Battered

**11. Cry of the Battered**  


  
"No you're not," I whispered. I hugged him tight, pulling his form into my lap. Never had  
he seemed so small. Somehow, my mind understood what he needed. It was a new mission  
and a new undertaking. "You aren't damned. Duo, war has casualties. All we can do is  
carry out our missions and try not to get hurt too badly on our way out. Life scars  
everyone."  
  
"War is the thing that is evil. War is the thing that is dirty," I continued when I got no  
response from him.  
  
"You're saying I'm just a victim," Duo mumbled. He touched my face, memorizing my  
features once more. I felt slender fingers ease down my face and stared into the eyes of a  
Botticelli creation.  
  
"Yes," I nodded. "War hurt you. Poverty touched you. Be angry at them and don't be  
angry with yourself. You want control. Why? People die Duo. People we love will die."  
  
Duo stared at the direction he thought I was and my heart broke as I grabbed his jaw and  
gently altered his direction. He spoke slowly, "I loved them so much."  
  
"Yes," I said. "But, they're in Heaven, ne?"  
  
"Do you believe in Heaven, Heero?" he asked.  
  
"I'll look into it," I mumbled and he laughed. It was a welcome sound.   
  
"Those men took control from me, Heero. Just like... just like Death took those away  
from me that made me happy. They took me from all that I cared. You guys are the family  
I have left. That's all. They wanted me to hurt you. They wanted me to.... they hurt me."  
  
Duo eased into my hug easier than I expected. Arms curled around me and played with the  
small of my back as he rested his head on my shoulder. A whisper eased out of his mouth,  
"They hurt me. They used me. I'm sick of being a pawn. For once, I want to be the  
player."  
  
"Show them."  
  
"What do you mean?" he questioned.  
  
"Don't let what they did to you control you. You can't be tainted by them... you still have  
your innocence," I whispered. "People just can't stop trying to take it from you."  
  
"Heero... I just need time. I'm filthy. Used. They tried to use me to hurt you. They  
thought... they thought I wasn't human. Did war make me such a monster? I hate myself,"  
he nodded. "I... how can I explain what I feel?"  
  
I kissed the top of his head, "Sometimes you can't. But, either way, I know."  
  



End file.
